Monday, December 27, 2010

Year in Review: Fast Food 2010

2010 has been a great year. But not so much in the fast food department. Here are some of the most terrifying fast foodie atrocities in what was otherwise a very good year.

Top 5 Biggest Fast Food mistakes of 2010 (In no particular horrifying order):

5. Burger King Manhattan's Pizza Burger

No, not a hamburger pizza. A hamburger; pizza stylie.

Burger King tends to be scary. But this is just ridiculous.

That's right folks; nearly 3,000 calories of pizzaburger--er, burgerpizza--er, whatever--goodness...

4. Burger King's GIGANTOR Breakfast Platter of DOOOOOOM!

Burger King strikes again. If I see that TV spot for Burger King breakfast one more time, I will dive head-first into a shallow vat of maple syrup. Plus; EW...

3. Hardee's MonSTAR Breakfast Biscuit

Hardee's is a consummate culprit. They are always creating things to both clog the arteries and upset the stomach...A lot. The above picture is scary mostly because of the forced-perspective of breakfast insanity. See figure A (er, below):

Regardless, it is less than a good time, as far as eating goes. And while I am dissing breakfast fast food, can I just say: what is UP with fast food breakfast? They seem to want to fill you up with the most crap as they can with the worst crap that they can. Do they expect someone to feel good and "ready for the day" with a brick of eggs, meat and cheese sitting like a cement-mixer in your stomach? I mean, I had a Chik-fil-A biscuit about a week ago, but at least it was tasty and weighed about a quarter of what this MONSTAROSITY does. I just see lots of hard-working people falling out by lunchtime after they consume this heart-exploding freak-show.

2. Taco Bell XXL Chalupa

I must own that I do like Taco Bell. Their bean burritos are always a good--and far less disgusting--stand-by. (I'd steer clear of anything made with their "ground beef" though. Just...don't...ask...) However, when they try their hands at "inventing," they fall flat and create terrifying products.

This one weighs in at nearly 700 calories and (!!) 40 grams of fat. Ouch. It was also mad-advertised; which makes it thus more terrifying. And then there is...*drumroll please*...The creme de la creme of terrifying foods of 2010!!

1. KFC Double-Down

Nothing is quite as creepy or disturbing at a sandwich with buns made of something other than bread. At least the insanity of The Vortex is mostly limited to buns *made with bread*:

Grilled cheese sandwiches as buns are still technically BUNS. There exists bread of some kind to encase meat, cheese, and various other random crap.

But the Double-down--that loathsome Frankenstein's Monster of Fast Food Horror--is just breaded chicken, two kinds of cheese, bacon, and then another piece of breaded chicken. What? No...this cannot be. Right? No one in his right mind would consume a "sandwich" without bread right?

And then, there are all of the questions...How do I pick it up without getting greasy? How can a thin layer of paper-wrapper shield me from dripping fat and other nastiness? How can I possibly explain my sudden spike in blood pressure and cholesterol to my doctor?

The moral of the DD story is--please, stay far, far away. It won't end in anything but heartache and regret.

All-in-all, 2010 has been a good year. There were even a few fast food items that surprised me. I liked Wendy's new fries. I dug the new Taco Bell corn tacos (um, only sort of though). And, I think FF salads have come a long way--although we still have miles to go before we sleep.) But I cannot reconcile the fast food events that have taken root this year. And I have a strange and sneaking suspicion that in 2011, the trend of horrifying food products will only get worse.


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