Saturday, May 22, 2010

Top Ten Most Bizarre/Disturbing/Otherwise Intriguing British Foods

Scary food abounds...Scary food...

...and boy can it be...

So, in order to bring you all food entertainment, I now turn to scary British food.

We all know that the British have a penchant for the disgusting. But far as bizarre foods go, the Brits take the cake.

And here's my proof, in the form of a Top Ten list. Here goes...

Top Ten Most Bizarre/Disturbing/Otherwise Intriguing British Foods

10. Bubble and Squeak.

Although not terribly disturbing in essential ingredients, B&S still seems pretty frightening. Really it's just leftovers all piled into one scary breakfast dish. Still, I don't know if I would stomach it, honestly.

9. Beans on Toast

Again, not frightening as such, but when one takes all things into consideration, not the best of foods. (If the pic was not enough to scare you, I will remind readers to be wary of any food that combines charred bread and nuked maple-flavored legumes.)

8. Crisps

We call them chips, they call them "crisps". Potato, po-taa-toe, etc. But literally in this case, since we are dealing with actual potatoes. So, these do not seem like offenders really. But, when you get down to brass tacks, Brit Crisps can be scary. Take, for example, These treasures. I haven't seen this much flavor weirdness since Ramen Noodles (no worries, I promise to do the same countdown of terror for "American food" soon...and it promises to be even more terrifying.) Really, Roast Chicken?...Worchestershire Sauce?. Me no likey.

7. Bangers and Mash

While (or "whilst" if we are speaking in British turn-of-phrase) I like bangers and mash because it is basically the American equivalent of Meat-and-Taters, I must say that the dish itself is pretty frightening. It consists of random sausage, (pork, beef, eel--I honestly have no idea what these things are made of), mashed potatoes, (something a Southern gal has no problems with), and mushroom gravy, (let's be clear folks, gravy just means fat cooked with more fat plus meat juice); it does seem like an eater's haven. Hey, I like "Trucker food" too. In fact, I used to specifically request trucker food when ordering at The Majestic. And hey, anyone who's ever been to Brewhouse Cafe can tell you that the food is awesome. But, regardless of how yummy it is, you still find yourself eating mystery sausage and obliterated tubers. Just sayin'.

6. Fish and Chips

Nah, I can't hate on fish and chips. So fried and soooo tasty.

5. Toad-in-the-Hole

Another dish that is disturbingly sausage-focused. It makes you wonder how these fat-baby-fingers-of-death are actually crafted. I still say that, although tasty, nothing in a "natural casing" can have anything good to offer humanity. But Toad-in-the-Hole adds eggs to the mix; a move I don't feel entirely comfortable with. Something I read about it mentions "pudding batter", which I find seriously upsetting (I will discuss the British penchant for assorted "puddings". Be warned, it won't be pretty.)

4. Meat Pies (all varieties)

Again, I like meat. And I like pie. But meat in pie? It does not work like that in my brain; or tummy. And what it the meat? Is it beef? Soylent Green? "To Serve Man" is cookbook"? Right. I like this idea about as much as I like the idea of French Egg Pie (otherwise known as quiche). Apparently Europeans believe that if you stick something in a flaky crust, it automatically makes it tasty; and you know, not scary. I say that it is a short walk off a long pier of unanswerable questions--How many eggs? What kind of ground meat-product? Do I really dive into the crap beyond the crust? and so on.

Short-hand? Proceed with caution...

3. Spotted Dick

Hey, you...Stop laughing. It's not funny. This is a serious dish. Really. I mean, it's made of--er, happiness and puppy dog tears? Wait, Cellphane flowers and marshmallow skies? I think I may have sampled the brown Spotted Dick. My mistake. Ok, really it's made of custard and fruit. Essentially it is a Christmas Fruit cake on some sort of Brit amphetamine. Regardless, I wouldn't touch this with your ten foot...Spotted...oh man, I just lost the joke mid-sentence.

2. Suet

Ok, this one is technically cheating, as suet is not a food per se. It is an ingredient. But jeez, the Brits use it like it was in danger of going out of style. It is simply beef fat, perhaps most similar to the unfried version of pork rinds. yeah, pretty grody. But they put this stuff in everything. I have said enough. No more.

1. The Puddings

Can some one, for the love of god, please tell me why these things are called "puddings". As I kid, I ate pudding. Vanilla, chocolate, even banana, if I was feeling especially brave. But those crazy Brits. They eat a whole different kind of pudding. We already discussed the British love of sausages. Ok, they might be scary. But, at least they are edible. Puddings, or the British understanding of puddings, reach a new echelon of horrible. I will spare you most of the gory details. Just know that these should be avoided at all costs. Think of these as he socially-awkward cousin of the Big Mac. You know that you don't want to be seen conversing with Bro Big Mac. He's lame, and does keg-stands, and smells of Drakkar Noir. But his cousin...Yikes. He's the one that Big Mac left at the gas station on Route 66 after a blue-frosty incident. I think you get my meaning. Avoid puddings that do not have ice cream flavors as qualifiers.

I hope that you have enjoyed this rendition of "make-fun-of-the-silly-folks-from-'cross the pond."

I had to take a break from hating on Americans and their food. I will be back with the usual soon. After all, Americans and their fast food never cease to be horrid and fascinating.

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1 Comments:

Blogger Stormy said...

Nothing wrong with British food, its you Americans that have no clue... I mean you cant find a decent sausage here, its all hotdog crap...least we have varied stuff unlike your franks..BORING... get a pork pie down yer neck, hahahahahaha!

July 27, 2010 at 4:42 PM  

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