Thursday, June 24, 2010

Kickin it old school; cereal style. Plus wicked food body art.

As kids, we all ate Breakfast Cereals that were full of sugar and hopes that would later be dashed against the jagged rocks of reality. I remember begging for, and once allowed to purchase Ghostbusters Cereal. I was so excited. It was like I had won the lottery. Although, at age 8, I don't think I had any clear conception of what the lottery was and why grown-ups were so excited about exchanging a precious $5 on a slip of paper. See, some things never change. I still find the lottery a waste of time and mone

The kid in me still gets pretty psyched about cereal. Except now, at nearly 30 years-old, I do tend to choose Cheerios (original) over Lucky Charms and Honey Sugar Cocoa Bombs. Yes, I needed to be reminded that I am getting older; being constantly reminded that I am aging is good for the complexion and psychological well-being, really. As if the gray hairs weren't enough...

So today, my dear friend Whit (shout out to my WST homie Whit--holla!) reminded me of a time, not so long ago, that saw the invention of one of the most peculiar cereals I have ever had the pleasure of tasting. Beyond the taste, the appearance of said cereal is pretty frightening indeed. Drumroll, please....

Ah yes, Cracklin' Oat Bran. (That's the original box btw, and you are welcome). At first glance, it seems pretty innocuous. Plain blue box. Standard boring Kellogg's font-type. And then you look a bit more closely. As Whit so astutely observed, "It looks like cat food." Well said, Whit. Yes, it does look like cat food. To further illustrate:

See? It doesn't matter which bin you choose to focus on; it is clear that COB was made to look like something you would feed your own special Snowball II. You may think this assessment unfair. Questions of "well, how do you know?" and statements such as "I bet you never ate that," are probably swimming through your cynical minds.

HA, internet comrades! I have indeed eaten this Human Kitty Kibble. Shockingly, it does not taste like I am sure from the smell of it, the same as cat food. It tastes more like, prepare your *shockface*, bran. Yup, the stuff your Grandpappy and Bubu shovel into their bowls each morning. So you can imagine. Not very tasty. Like all Bran Cereals, it should probably come with a warning--*Warning: This breakfast cereal may cause internal bleeding*. I don't know anything about that, but, the stuff is pretty gross. It's consistency is comparable to gravel; although, not having ever put gravel in my mouth, I suppose that is an unfair assumption. I do know that when soaked in milk long enough, Cracklin' Oat Bran is considered a new form of napalm. So, beware...

And the real kicker? A friend of my mom's used to eat it to help her gain weight. She swore by it. So all of the people trying to lose weight, who think that they are eating cereal in the mornings to help them take off a few lbs. are in for a seriously rude awakening.

Hey Hellogg's, the new packaging isn't fooling anyone. We know your game. Just because you spruce up your blue box and introduce a new font does not mean we will automatically eat your Colon Blow Pretty Kitty Cat Chow (TM by me). *shudders*

On to topic 2: The wonderful world of body art. But not just any body art. Foodie body art. As you will see, you need to have a special affinity for, and devotion to, a food cause in order to permanently brand yourself with an Ecto Cooler Juice Box or the classic Freaky French Fry Colors Gang.

Here are a few examples of food body art that you might like (thanks again, Whit, for the suggestion):

For the fast food lover:

For the semi-literate Southerner:

And, for the kid in all of us:

Hey, I like food as much as the next human being who needs it to survive, but I wouldn't put a Chicago Style Hot Dog (my personal favorite food) on my belly for the world to mock.

Oh wait, someone's already done that, you say?

Cheater. That was my next tat. Why you got to be all hairy and stealing my ideas? I'll get you next time Gadget.

Well, gross food homies, I guess this hot dog gal will see ya'll on the flipside!